The Beautiful One

I'm writing this post in the middle of untold fear.
i dont know why i am this typical of person.

when im afraid, i pretend to be chill
when i want to cry, i smile and laugh instead
tears dont wanna come down

but heart is hurt until i think the sadness maybe will swallow me alive.
today i should have a very good day
i have a fabulus reunion, a nice nap time and a relaxing saloon session.

but i dont know why, in the saloon, maybe this man, the masseuse has a magic hand that made me feel sad, insecure and want to run that moment

i feel hurt, my body my arms yet my heart...

after everything has done i bought a worshiper music which i rare to do it. my body shake and shake again, trembling as that moment i will be collapse, tear apart like a piece of paper.

im afraid
i pack a lot my fabric this night, i throw away many things and u cry the painful cry
my body still trembling like a leaf

i want to flee

my life is a waste... why i disgrace what i have like this
i dont know either

maybe people see me as the strongest which not even let tears drop in my father's funeral
but im the weakest

if i cry, i maybe turn to be crazy

i need a hand and a hug this night, which i never can have

all i see in the mirror is just a girl, a girl with the beautiful smile with the painful heart

teach me to express please, because it is realy hard to do

If we have to fall now

i am supposed to make a long story for the job i live in now.

i already write it much in this post but i change my mind.

it's not about what i share and what i tell you.
nothing will change anything.

it's more like, let's take an action than keep talking.

it has been a week in a super blue. me and my partner already speechless for everything that's happening.
we are already done, we can't stand up. we lose our passion. we may will be apart.

as what we do is no longer what we like to fight for.

we are now just so numb.

i am wondering if we count do any better again.
maybe we will reach our biggest cut loss.
our disappearance.

I am no KIDDING !!

Somebody feels a little bit stressed out here.
the time as we could call it "Blue". im nbw in the Super Blue situation.
as the time in the morning was so stunning. i have a nice bed time, shopping time and ice cream time.
i have a fabulus walking time with my sister and friend.

but it's all just like change as i entering my room.
the air just like saying "I know it! I know it!" with the annoying expression ever and the bed is changing his size to tiny, the condition which i can't sleep anymore like losing appetite.

and when i get this blue. my phone alarm is ringing "Ex Birthday"
What a perfect joke before sleeping,right?

and then i see my fathers picture and can't handle the eyes..
nope... im not crying. just my vision is blur. and my heart feels like stubed.

anyway,
Life must go on..

i cant hiding in the shadow of my past.
and what i regret now is, why i have been dreaming of the same guy in hte same situation?
while this guy is having no intention on me.

you don't see the connection between the other's story with this one, right?
ha ha ha, it's my blog tho, no matter i want to do here, is none of your business :P

okay, off being rude.

Bye then.

(i swear i will laugh out lot a couples years later when i'm seeing my writting)

"I feel like nothing of your concerned. Not even in a minute im the part of your life. Not even in a moment i ever enter your life. Not even my existence counted as precious, not even single thankful you said for what i'm alive :'( . then who i am in this crowded place.. a trash for your empty glass? a bed for you laying down? or just another bottle to fill your half empty cup in? im just so dumped...... you never counted me in."

that's the words i want to say to him. soooo emotional. and he will answer with a single "huh" and if i insist it will be a long silly fight between nobody.

and what im thinking is

"if you cant find a man you want, then become a man you wanted to be."

dont asked...

by the way, there's a young man (actually i dont know how old he is) make me his crush.
he's a lil bit frighten me. he's text me almost everyday. quite a stalker is he?
or anyone fall in love always like him?

am i doing that things too? ooppsss!!

See you another post

Kinda Hate This Newlook

Hey,

Don't you think the old version of Blogger is more easier and simple..
why i feel this one like difficult to understand
(are you thinking about your girl?? hard to understand huh? lol :P ).

anyway, let me find out how to mess with this one new version.
i hope i could befriend with this difficult uneasy ma'am.

anyway, just that..

Keep the good work Admin ;)

Just Another Hi! Words

Now, I am Sitting in front of this square thing.
Yup, it's a monitor... (Please, not a TV, Ok, we Fine? Great)


Actually, Im hoping to open Youtube and start my movie marathon secs.
it's really can't be helped since the internet provider is so slow than my Granny's snail.


But thanks to that, im now making a blog. (2nd Blog, actually)
different from before.
i kinda hope, here i could posted my thoughts and my feelings.


tho, im doubt enough some-other-body-unknown will read my post. at least i am my biggest fans.


well, keep yourself cheers pals. (^_^)